This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
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Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”