I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
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Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill