[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
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That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Twitter is the new flypaper.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN