How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
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My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too