My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
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-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
how to have an accident 101
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not