HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
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My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.