“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
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When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio