I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
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I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Same pineapple, same
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is