WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
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The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.