Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
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If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.