My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
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How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
I finally found a reason to live again.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.