Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
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I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
My biological clock is wheezing.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”