My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
You Might Also Like
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
S/o to @funTweeters .
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM