How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
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Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans