Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
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Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.