How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
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In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Only short people can save us
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community