this could fix me
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Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Love is always patient and kind.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
had to share :’)
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
I get distracted pretty eas
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.