Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
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[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Mood.. 😂
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense