[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
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Monica just destroyed the internet
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.