[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
You Might Also Like
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.