Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
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Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight