Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
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What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.