I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
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“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting