I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
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Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
#polloftheday
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
#NoRestForTheWicked
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up