I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
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If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Meme Monday.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
*praying for world peace*
God:
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”