him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
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“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
lmfao
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.