You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
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LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
This is the coolest video you will see today.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE