This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
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[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
guys i’ve cracked the code
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.