Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
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Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.