PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
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Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid