i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
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The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!