“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
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Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
wut hotdog?
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.