You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
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[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
I like long walks away from everyone
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.