The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
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1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
What flavor cupcake are these
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.