We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
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My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Pizza is an emotion right?
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*