Um … Hot Wings please
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If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
absolutely not
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one