My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
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[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right