Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
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AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Happy Halloween 🎃
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.