There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
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*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT