what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
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McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
termite twitter scares me
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one