“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
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[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.