2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
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If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Oops
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit