Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
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I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.