6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
You Might Also Like
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years