ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
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What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
The fall of Netflix
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy