My kitchen overserved me.
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A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself