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Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.