Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
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Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Looking at you, Jesus.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs