What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
SF is the wild wild west man
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.