Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
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*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.